初中的时候就被人问过，我怎么知道我喜欢上了一个人，那个时候我给出的答案是心动的感觉，急促的呼吸和移不开的眼睛。高中的时候再被人问起，我说是吃醋的感觉。

高中读了两遍《霍乱时期的爱情》，试图给出爱的答案。第一次我说，你是我的心上人，第二次我说，爱是不期而遇的五味杂陈。直到暑期回来被李伊然问起，我说的是，这就像是吃饭喝水一样，当你爱上一个人你就会知道。可这些答案我都不满意。

自我，太自我了。所有在谈论的都是我，好像你爱上的那个人只是一个存在于你心中的客体，死寂一般的推动着故事的发展。这不是现在我的答案。

我觉得爱上一个人是恐惧，是心底深处的，如同面对死亡一般的恐惧。就像陈清扬在三十年后在酒店说的：好危险，差一点爱上你。也像牧师说的：Love is awful, it's painful, it's frightning. 心动的上头的感觉，被我们调侃为恋爱脑，看似是愚蠢但实际是格外需要勇气的，去接纳一个人对自己的掌控，改变，去拥抱ta会带来的，不是你能主导的喜悦或悲伤。在我爱上你的时候，我也同时把自己最柔软的一面展露给你看，把自己最脆弱的一面给你利用，用自己最愚蠢的一面同你玩笑。我爱上你的时候，我身体的自主性，思想情感一切的一切也就都随之托付给你了。

爱情的伟大正在于，在我把我献给你的同事，也接纳了你，完整的你，被你像我一样毫无保留的交出的我。我答应你，我会像爱我自己一样爱你，你也是。它比婚姻更长久，比黑魔法更强大。

Love makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself, distance yourself from the other people in your life, makes you selfish, makes you creepy, makes you obsessed with your hair, makes you cruel, makes you say and do things you never thought you would do!

It's all any of us want and hell when we get there. So no wonder, it's something that we don't want to do on our own. I was taught if we're born with love, then life is about choosing the right place to put it. People talk about that a lot. It 'Feeling right', 'When it feels right it's easy'. But i'm not sure that's true. It takes strength to know what's right.

And love isn't something that weak people do, being a romantic takes a hell of a lot of hope. I think what they mean is when you find somebody that you love, it feels like hope.

'I think you know how to love better than any of us, that's why you find it all so painful.'

从明天起，做一个勇敢的人。